Project Jeff 4.0

Our bodies' atoms go through a complete turnover due to a metabolic process that takes seven years. In essence, we become a new person. It's an interesting scientific fact that's been on my mind for the past few months. Since I turn 28 next year, what better time than now to make further changes?

As some of you may know, I'm a bit fucked up.

I can hear you all now: "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!"

I know it seems like I have a good attitude, but that's mostly a facade. When I'm with friends, I'm pretty comfortable. I know most of you well enough to relax and let my guard down. At the ripe old age of 14, I was anti-social, misanthropic, and suicidal. I've been struggling with depression, fear, confidence, weight, worth, & esteem issues for a very long time, and I'm just now getting to a point where I can start to do something about it. I've been taking baby-steps lately toward improvement (self-help books, socializing more, etc). I actually have a plan. I'm just gathering the tools (and funds) I need to carry it out properly.


My problems boil down to one main idea: I don't like myself very much. It's something that I've been aware of at an unconscious level. Talking with Lynne (I talk to her and Alex a lot) a few weeks ago, she pointed it out to me. A lot of it has to do with Eric's death; it must be my Catholic heritage, all this guilt weighing me down. Another thing she brought up is that I'm very stubborn and resistant to change, mostly out of fear. However, that's fed by my low self-confidence. Almost everything 'wrong' with me is circular. Like Fat Bastard says in Austin Powers 2, I'm fat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I'm fat.


With the money I'm getting from a couple of freelance jobs, I'll be able to join a gym in January. To put it lightly, I'm extremely unhappy with my physical health. I have let my creative side go fallow; I will re-learn how to draw, and I'll be better at it than I ever was before. With weight loss and improved artistic skills, I will gain confidence. I will make an effort to be more social. I will try to volunteer at an animal shelter. I will stop wearing all black clothes so I won't be as intimidating. I will get a haircut. I may even try speed-dating or whatever other ridiculous match-making services are available.



I will find happiness, dammit, even if it kills me.




* Please note that parts of this post are culled from an ongoing conversation with Tara, Carlos' fiancée. She's been reading this and has offered many kind words of support, and has helped me organize my thoughts a bit better. Thanks for your help, Tara.