"Can I be your friend?"

When I was a young lad, I thought hamsters were adorable. My fifth grade class had one, that eventually gave birth to about 20 little runts. Most of them died within a day. I really wanted one, and eventually got one for Christmas. The first one lasted nearly ten weeks. I was heartbroken when it died, for no reason that I could think of. I woke up one day, and seemed sick. I held a vigil until it died later that night. The second one survived for a month. The third lived three weeks.

One of my classmates, Jim, also had a hamster. It had a few runts, and he asked if I wanted it. As a glutton for punishment, I said "yes!" I don't remember if I named it or not; he only lived a week. I watched it all day, its second and final Saturday of the summer. He just laid there, belly up, gasping for air for hours. He felt so cold.

Jim was friends with John & Jamie, the guys on my shit list. Most of the time, I thought of Jim as a close personal acquaintance. The four of us hung out anyway, because we had nothing better to do. He was pretty smart, but kind of a dick. I remember in 5th grade, he wrote a computer program, and used tons of class time to input the code into the computer. I don't recall if he ever finished it.

A couple of years later in junior high, one of the class topics turned to pets. I had had cats, dogs, and of course, hamsters; all of them dead. Jim had the brilliant idea to make an announcement that only a few of us in the room could hear.

"I know why your hamsters died, Jeff; you fucked them to death!"

It was that moment I realized I won't ever give a flying fuck about him, other than being a fellow sentient being.

I became very puzzled today, when I received a "friend request" from him on Myspace. He's in Hawaii, which is where Lynne is right now, visiting her family. Honestly, I wish I was there, too. It's freaking HAWAII! Duh! NYC: cold & grey. Tropical islands: warm & vibrant.

I had an extremely horrible, assholish remark in response to Jim's request, one that probably would have sent him into a state of anger I can barely imagine. I'm ashamed to have even thought of it. I'll leave it at that.

No, Jim, I don't think so. We're not going to be "pals" or "iBuddies" or whatever.

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Another interesting thing about Myspace is finding an old bully. First, I'm shocked that the troglodyte can even use a computer. Second, I'm relieved that he's still a massive waste of space.