Blah

I don't know why, but I'm extremely low today. I was walking around earlier, and these exact words slid through my brain:

"I wonder what I'll have for lunch today. Life is worthless and I am an empty vessel rotting from the inside out. The shitake mushroom sandwich on sourdough sounds good."

I feel very sad and empty right now.

Postponed

The date I was supposed to have on Sunday was canceled. She had to work much later than expected. We've made other plans, so all is not lost.

What I've learned.

A few weeks ago, at the second Sequential Salon meet-up, my inability to talk to people face to face, or even on the phone was brought up. Bowie stated his displeasure of having to read this blog in order to find out what's going on with me instead of just telling him directly; especially if it's a very long entry. Our buddy Mike made an insightful comment:

"He's a verbose motherfucker, but only when he's writing."

This jogged my memory of something Lynne recently said about our first date many eons ago:

"Getting you to talk to me was like pulling teeth - impacted wisdom teeth!"

I told the therapist about this two weeks ago, and he also noted his frustration with getting me to talk.

We dissected my brain over the past two sessions and worked out that it's an adaptive strategy formed very early on in life.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you"?

Such was the state of my environment growing up, both at home and school. The theory I had was that they can't hurt me if I don't let them know me.

Okay, I was 6 at the time, so I didn't have those exact words. But the basic response to my environment was to seal myself off and keep everyone at multiple-arms' length.

That's how I survived the next eleven years. Even after leaving that horrible setting, that sense of paranoia never dissipated. Despite being in college, surrounded by people who became good friends, I couldn't let go of that survival strategy. I was unable to learn a new one to better reflect my healthier surroundings. The loneliness and unrequited love was overwhelming at times. I was (am) longing for a relationship to help me feel validated, to feel like I'm part of something meaningful, that I'm important to and wanted by someone.

There was (is) still a sense of imminent rejection & heartbreak. Considering how Murphy's Law affected every aspect of life so far, it was logical to conclude that it would continue to do so.

So here I am, 29 years old. Despite the past twelve years of evidence that people are no longer out to get me, I'm still stuck in the same survival mode. I haven't learned a new way of dealing with life. I have the emotional/social development of a ten year old. It's why my attempts at dating have failed miserably. It's why I can't unclench in social gatherings, even among the closest of friends.

The goal now is to find ways of dealing with the world that don't include becoming a hermit, and do include being more socially trusting, open, and free.

I just spent an hour & a half on the phone with our pal Aleeeeeeeeeeeeeeex. In regard to my real-life vs online personae (blog and message board), he observed that online, I have the time & ability to really craft and clarify what I want to say, and that I speak with some authoritah. For example, this entry took over two hours to write. Whereas in face to face meetings, I visibly retreat into myself and become this...ghost. I feel pressured to be articulate and entertaining, but everything comes out forced and garbled, and I feel like I'm wasting the listeners' time.

When it comes to dealing with new people, I dread giving that first impression of a babbling, stuttering, "me fail English" boor. I have lots of trouble identifying exactly what's going through my mind, and what I'm feeling at any given time. I gave up on having any sort of conversation. When someone asks, "how are you doing?", I just say "fine" because it's quick and easy, or "read the blog" if they're a close friend.

Yes, even therapy sessions are full of awkward silences. Half of the time is spent just trying to dig up the right words.

In other news, I have a date Sunday night with the same girl I saw back in January.

Insert LOLCat picture here:

Gud Luk: I needz it.

Excuses, excuses

Valid:

"I have to work."

"I have to work on my marriage."

Invalid:

"I don't do boroughs."

"I'm surgically attached to my boyfriend."

"I overslept."

"I'm lazy."

You fuckers had a month's notice. I'm not angry, but just a little hurt. I know it's not personal; it's just how I'm built.