Dooced*

* - To be fired from your job because of the contents of your web log. Originated at http://www.dooce.com/archives/dooced/index.html

No, not me. I haven't mentioned where I work, names of any employer/employees or clients. I haven't had any "when keeping it real goes wrong" moments in a LONG time.

And shit, no one reads this anyway.

This goes WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY the hell back to spring 2002. First, there were Heather B. Armstrong's posts about basically being the first person to be fired for complaining about her job on the Internet (see above link).

Very shortly afterwards, a New York Post "Page Six" article, by Richard Johnson -

Forgive me for the terribly juvenile remark, but it needs to be said: Dick Johnson? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

- with Paula Froelich and Chris Wilson, was published on Thursday, May 23, 2002. I clipped this article out of the paper and held onto it ever since, and I'm going to share it with you all now.

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Media aide bitches too much.

A lowly assistant at Hearst magazines was fired yesterday after telling her high-maintenance bosses in an anonymous memo: "Buy your own candy, stop rifling through my desk, and yeah, guess what - I have to pee, too!"

The blistering harangue - which she posted on mediabistro.com's "Bitch Box" - begins: "Hey editors, get off your fucking high horses and come down and smell your trash. We are your editorial assistants - not your maids, your mothers or your personal assistants.

"1. Your dead plants, pigeons and other 'wildlife' in your office are not my problem. You've been around long enough to know plants need water and if they don't get it, they die…

"2. Duane Reade sells candy to ANYONE. Do not bitch if the candy jar is empty. Do not bitch if what's in there isn't your favorite candy. Haul it ONE BLOCK east and buy the stuff yourself…Plus, we're sick of fronting the cash.

"3. Pub Tech responds to everyone. It's really easy to call them. And odds are, the problem is something you could fix if you would just suck it up and take one training class.

"4. The refrigerator doesn't keep things forever. I'm tired of my one little yogurt being surrounded by your seven containers of three remaining bites of a $50 lunch that has been in there so long, it smells like sweat socks.

"5. Learn how things work around here. I'm half your age, make a third of your salary, and after baby-sitting you for over a year, could do your job and still have time for a manicure. The copier is push-button, occasionally the printer does need paper, and the production department is just down the hall. Chimps could do half this stuff.

"6. I will occasionally not be at my desk. No kidding. I have to pee, too. And I get a lunch hour. Respect it or buy yourself a slave. Kathie Lee's made a second career out of this.

"7. I do not have ESP. If you've told me to do something, it's done, if you didn't, it wasn't. I can't read your fucking mind…and if it's after 5:30, too late. Your forgetfulness and lack of organization is not my emergency. I'm going home to watch 'Survivor.'

"And finally, 8. My desk is not your playground. Quit going through the papers on it; not all of it pertains to you. Don't take things off it - if it was meant for you, I'd give it to you." The memo ends, "That is all - for now. The Assistant."

Hearst, known to partake in "manhunts" where it traces e-mails, phone calls and Web links that employees have made, quickly identified the offending assistant and fired her, sources said. Calls to Hearst were not returned. The memo has been removed from mediabistro.com.

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Run this search in your Google toolbar: blog fired

Friday night I picked up a co-worker's copy of the NY Post and found another article about Nadine Haobsh, http://jolienyc.blogspot.com/ a magazine editor getting fired for office gossip. Her bosses "thought it displayed a lack of respect for the industry and a lack of professionalism."

I find that to be hilarious, considering the total lack of respect and professionalism found in ANY industry, usually displayed by managers & CEOs. They are petty, immature, grudge-holding, office-political players, spoiled, and close-minded. Their egos need constant stroking, and they'll belittle anyone who works below them if they feel the slightest bit vulnerable.

If you look at the business practices of the companies that have fired bloggers, (Microsoft, Google, Starbucks, Delta Air Lines, Friendster) you'll find that the phrase "business ethics" doesn't seem to apply most of the time. I'm WAITING for the day Wal-Mart employees start blogging; although, they probably have a no-blog clause in the contract.

Blogger David Pomeroy, at http://blogs.msdn.com, has this to say about firing employees for having a blog:

If employers are good employers, what do they have to fear? Most likely those who rant and rave are likely to be talking about former employers, or one who got them fired... rather than their current one.

Starbucks employee fired for blog: http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/09/04/141004.php

One anonymous commenter said: "That Starbucks would make anyone sign something stating not to bad mouth the company speaks volumes as to HOW BAD the Company really is."

IS ANYONE LISTENING TO THIS?

Allow me to bestow a few nuggets of wisdom to every single company out there, just to make things crystal clear. If you don't want your employees bitching about their job, there are a few things you can do.

1) Reward your employees properly. Let's say there are three people: the client, the sales representative, and the producer. The sales rep takes the client out for lunch, and gets a substantial commission for all the work the client brings in to the company. The producer does all the hard work of actually making sure the client's product is done efficiently, correctly, and on time. Although I've seen exceptions to the rule, this is generally the case. Why is it that people doing most of the work reaping the least of the benefits? The sales rep is rewarded simply for knowing the right people. There is a REASON why people at the bottom of the totem pole are the most bitter.

2) Make sure the people with responsibility know how to handle it with maturity. If anyone does the kind of shit that assistant at Hearst complained about, they should be fired. Being in charge doesn't mean you get to be a jerk about it. My supervisor is the BEST I've had since I was working upstate. He works to make things right in the office. It's really simple: if you're a good boss, you'll have relatively happy employees. The happier the employees, the less likely they'll need to bitch on the web and cause you great embarrassment.

3) To all the bitching employees out there who use their blogs to complain: Create a new blog, don't give any personal information - not your name, not the city you're in. Keep it simple. "Customer did this, boss did that." Don't say, "I work at Starbucks." Say, "I work for a North American coffee shop company." We are smart readers, and can figure out who you work for, but it leaves you with the deniability.

4) To employees with supervisors who suck: go over their heads. Go to Human Resources or the big(ger) boss and see what can be done. If nothing can be done, try to get another job. Once you leave, then you can complain all you want, as long as everything is HONEST. Don't slander.