What in the FUCK is wrong with you people!?!

Why? Why the fuck would anyone do this? You people are all sick.

Before you start whining, "oh what is this idiot complaining about now?" I shall explain my horrible weekend.

As most of you know, I'm single. Might-as-well-be-a-monk single. Haven't had a second date in years. So I relented and filled out the unbearably long questionnaire at eHarmony. With that done, it proceeded to search for a woman that I wouldn't hate, and wouldn't hate me. Their massive database for my local area couldn't find any matches for me.

I said, "okay, broaden the horizon a bit. Look a little further away." It searched on a national level. Nothing.

Fuck it. Search ALL of their members everywhere in the world.

Zero, zilch, nada, goose egg, bupkus, and any other word or number that means I'll be alone for the rest of my life. (Gosh, I have such a positive attitude.)

eHarmony was quick to point out that 10,000 people join their site every day and blah blah blah, that doesn't exactly take the sting out of being rejected by THE ENTIRE WORLD.

With all this in mind, I turned to the W4M section of the last refuge of freaks and weirdos like myself...Craigs' List. I screened out the ads for women too young or too old, and any euphamism that fat/morbidly obese people use to avoid reality.

I should point out to you that I'm about twenty pounds overweight and it would be hypocritical of me to reject someone who had the same proportions. So "curvy" and "chunky" are generally acceptable to me. I also have a thing about kids and educational levels, but that wasn't a problem this time around.

One of the ads I responed to led to some email tag & exchange of personals profiles. Her rejection of me boiled down to "Wow, I want someone EXACTLY like you, just not YOU."

Baby, you sure know how to make a guy feel special.

Eventually, an ad for a single curvy Latina who had no expectations led to some actual progress. We met up at a coffee/sandwich shop near Union Square and talked for a while. She was pretty cute. Dark hair, but without any highlights, tacky long-ass fingernails that prevent productivity, a nice tan top with very short sleeves, and blue jeans with that horrid fade on the thighs. She wasn't too overweight; she filled out her clothes nicely.

Anyway, we talked about work, college (she had to drop out due to financial reasons), music...you know, standard first date stuff.

Everything seemed to be going okay, for the first time in a long time. That's how I should have known that things were going to take a very sudden turn for the worse.

An hour into the conversation, she pauses for a second. She turns around and nods to a guy sitting at another table. The dude is built like a linebacker: tall and round. He nods back at her with a smile.

Alarms are going off inside my head. I sit there for a second, bewildered.

"What the hell was that about?"

She leans in over the table, purposely reminding me of her cleavage, and says:

"My husband wants to watch us fuck."

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll, GOODBYE!"

I stood up, put money on the table for the sandwich & drink, and RAN THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.



This happened last Sunday. I've finally stopped freaking out enough to actually write about it.