...to feel wanted for once.
On Sunday, my cell phone reminded me that my infected gal pal's birthday is this week. I'm trying to forget her; it hurts too much. I still feel guilty about what happened, despite many people telling me not to, that it's all on her shoulders.
Hey, guilt trips are the only traveling I can afford to do anymore.
(Would any English/grammar nerds care to correct that sentence?)
In other news, I'm dipping my toe into the dating pool again. I really shouldn't. I'm not exactly in a healthy state, but people have responded to my profile a few times, so what the hell. If I hang out with random people who like me, maybe I can figure out WHY they like me. Maybe then I'll learn to like myself.
Yeah, right. It's supposed to be the other way around. Who would want a thing like me anyway?
At work today, I was peeling out hundreds of thin strips of vinyl for a zoetrope-like project and realized just how pointless my life is. "Same shit, different day" is horribly literal.
The next two days of work are going to entail 12+ hour shifts. I really should be in bed right now.
Work on the book has all but ceased. I'm still thinking about it. Lynne's coming over on Sunday to help take reference pics for the cover illustration. I haven't given up, I just don't care that much.
No money, no insurance, no doctor, no therapist, no happy pills, no motivation, no hope...and I don't even care. And I know that's not good.
Some good news, though: my best friend from high school (his lovely wife, really) found me on MySpace. I've been looking for them all over the place, but had been too lazy to call. The last time we spoke, Thom said something along the lines of "have something to talk about next time."
That was a while ago, at least before I started this blog. I'm still not good at the "having something to say" thing.
But damn, I am glad to hear from them.
2 comments:
Jeff,
Please don't give up. . . depression is a horrible thing and people make the mistake of thinking that you're sad, when what you really feel is nothing. You just don't care enough. Been there, done that. Please, please, please, find someone who can get you the anti-depressants you need. I can't believe a place like NY doesn't have someplace that can help you!
Hooray about the dating pool again though. . . you have a point in that it would be nice to like yourself first so that others will like you. . . but who's to say that hanging with people who find something special in you isn't the way to find that something special in yourself? It could work and once it does, you'll attract an even healthier set of friends (male and female) to hang out with.
You're still in my prayers.
keep working through this depression dude. i've been there, done it, and am just now getting myself out of my own quagmire of stuff. you can do it. just hang in there and don't let it defeat you.
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