I seem to have fallen out of favor with the jazz-loving sculptor. My social retardedness made our conversations tense and awkward.
"When was the last time you had a girlfriend?"
"Honestly? I haven't."
"Really?! Why not?"
I chose not to provide reasons. I caught myself from saying, "because no one has loved me back."
"Because I hate myself."
Yeah, present tense.
Still.
I just said "I have issues. I've had to deal with a lot of stuff, and just couldn't handle dating."
"Like what?"
"Look, I haven't even met you, I'm not comfortable talking about it with you yet. Hopefully another time?"
How do you tell someone that you haven't even met yet about having a sense of worthlessness beaten into you at a very early age? And how that worthlessness has been reinforced by virtually every attempt at socialization? How I chose isolation over intimacy because it hurt less? And now that the loneliness is plunging me further into depression every day, when I try to combat it, I have no clue how to interact with people?
You don't. You can't possibly lay all that shit out without scaring the hell out of them.
I'm too incurious to initiate conversation, and sure as hell can't carry one. I never have anything to say, or know what's being talked about.
So screw it. I give up. There's really no point in trying anymore.
3 comments:
from stud to dud just like that?
I don't buy it, get back out there you hound!
I'm not liking the sound of this, Jeff. Tell me how I can help. When's the last time you called that clinic to check your eligibility?
You're still going to MOCCA, right? Right?
I'm with lyman on this (even though I don't know him/her). . . you were doing so well. . .so you had a few setbacks. . .we all do, darlin'. . . you don't need to let it define you or your life. Your life will be/is what you make it. I promise. I'm thinking that NY women are just plain stupid. . you sound like a real catch to me.
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