The "fun" part about anti-depressants is that at first, they don't help. It takes a few weeks, sometimes up to two months or so for the positive benefits to kick in. Variably, they can make the depression feel worse.
So, take a wild guess about how I'm feeling. The previous post should make it clear.
I honestly don't remember the last time I felt happy. My incuriosity (oooh, I made up a word) grows daily. I have so little interest in participating in this world.
Everything feels so...old. Like I've been there and done that, a hundred times over. I've been called "an old soul" before, but this is a tad ridiculous.
I'm jealous of people who see things as new and/or exciting. I tried getting psyched up about MoCCA, but when it happened...I fell flat. All it did was remind me of how pointless I am.
The psychologist at the hospital asked me to keep a journal of what I'm feeling in social situations. For example, a Rocketship party. I listen in to conversations, and go blank. I have nothing to add to them. She asked if it was fear of saying the wrong thing.
That's not the problem; it's just not having anything to say in the first place. I don't know what people are talking about most of the time. Books, TV, movies, music, politics, etc. My total apathy towards seeking new things keeps me out of it. What's worse is that I'm growing bored with the things I used to be passionate about. It just feeds into itself.
I guess I'll just write "apathy" in the journal and be done with it.
Of course, I'd have to insert myself into social situations in order to have something to write about. Where would I go? What would I do when I don't want to do anything, when all I can muster up is "meh"?
I have to keep reminding myself that this is the beginning of my treatment, and that it's going to be a while before I get better.
I can't work on my book anymore because it's dredging up so much pain. I'll have to cash in on that meal ticket another time.
2 comments:
The other "fun thing" about anti-depressants is that they're not one-size fits all---so after you tackle the hurdle of getting any effect, you'll be smack in the middle of dose and type questions. Its a cruelty, really; depressed people are nearly incapable of reaching out for help and getting the meds right is such an iterative process. If god is the guy I think he is, he's snickering over the irony of that.
Hang in, cyber-friend. You'll feel a bit better soon and more as time goes by.
Do believe that life holds new wonder for you. It really, really does. My own experience with depression was cataclysmic--went from a happy balanced person to someone who couldn't get out of bed. It took me about a month to figure out what was happening and seek help. Even with that limited experience, I can tell you how much I never ever want to do that again.---the antidepressants rescued me; they'll rescue you, too.
I just want to reach out and give you a hug. Oh, Jeff! You are sooooo NOT worthless! I don't even know you and I feel like I DO know you. I would feel fortunate and blessed to have you as a friend, so please, please, PLEASE. Realize that you are a special person who just happens to be going through a bad time now (and for the past 28 years, apparently), but breathe. Be still and realize how much you mean to so many people. Know that you are loved by those closest to you and life will not always be this way. The Universe works, if you will let it.
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