...that after being so lonely for so long, I'd be used to it by now.
If only that were the case.
I skipped out of work an hour early Monday night to have dinner with my recently-infected gal pal. We walked up to Yaffa Cafe on St. Marks, where our smart-assed waiter made me laugh and had a bit of fun at my friends' expense.
She's still seeing the "gift-giver." Despite the STD, she seems pretty happy with him. Good for her, I guess.
Throughout the meal she said, "you look sad" or "depressed."
Well duh. I couldn't talk about it there in such a public place.
She told me that socializing is difficult for everyone. Sure, it's not exactly the easiest thing. But how many people have problems just ordering a meal, or even talking with their friends?
Right before dessert, Miles' It Never Entered My Mind came on over the speakers and I nearly lost it.
I screwed up at work on Tuesday. My inability to give a flying fuck about this job or anything that matters is reappearing.
I just got back to the office after picking up some Chinese food. The classy restaurant downstairs is packed. I think I'll stay in the office a bit later to avoid the crowds of happy people. It means I won't get home until 2 or 3 AM, but it's either that or face an anxiety attack in public.
I need something good to happen soon.
Come on, Mega-Millions; daddy needs a new life. This one's been on the shelf for too long.
12 comments:
Dear Jeff. . . .
I'm so sorry this Valentine's Day has been such a bummer for you. . . I know how you feel. My meds are only just starting to kick and get rid of that horrible "numbness". Hang in there.
Hang in, Jeff. I know that there being other people in the same boat really doesn't help. A quick phone call to your clinic coordinator could be very helpful.
This is just my personal opinion and it was not solicited so I'll accept whatever response, civil or no, that you may give. I think you shouldn't see your friend with the gift. I think she used you terribly and that she further confuses issues by being "your friend".
Jeff, if anyone should win the Mega-Millions, it's you.
And, for what's worth, I've never sensed any difficulty when I've spent time with you-- admittedly, only that one time we met up. Even so, you just seem like a quiet personality and not 'socially fucktarded'. At least that was my impression.
Thanks, Celeb. I still don't have a doctor to check out the problem with my heart, so meds remain out of reach.
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Kathy, I'm not so sure. I don't see her much as it is. Heck, there was a year & a half where she fell off my radar completely. But I think I might leave her alone for a while.
Also, we both have the same favorite bassist. How could I be anything less than civil to you?
------
Lena, you're one of many people who have made that observation. I think in our case, it's because I already knew you (somewhat) and didn't have any...expectations? Plus, that was more one-on-one. That's so much easier for me to handle. Put me in a small group or a Rocketship party, and I freeze up.
And you just want me to win the lottery because you know you'll get a nice gift if I do.
I see that (re one-one-one versus small group/Rocketship).
For me, sort of like you, I'm much better in a one-on-one situation. I think more of my personality and talkativeness comes out. When I'm in a group situation, I tend to often times blend in with the scenery and become more of a listener.
Let's go Mega Millions! You should try the scratch-off games. Or maybe not-- they're sort of addicting. I haven't gotten one since late December. I think I'll pick one up tomorrow.
God, you seem like such a sweet guy! I hate that you're going through this. Have you tried a free clinic for meds (don't know if they actually do the heavy duty stuff or not), but it seems like an alternative worth trying. For what it's worth, you're in my prayers daily.
Big hug to you.
The free clinics are booked for another two months, at which time I should try calling again.
A couple years ago I ran spotlight for a play. At intermission I had to go into a back room and sit on the floor in the dark to get through the anxiety attack from being around so many people. Since then, I've tended to go the other way, overcompensating by acting gregarious with people, then collapsing from exhaustion later. People tend to be surprised when I say that I'm a fairly shy person.
My point is that you aren't alone in this. Many people have the same problem, they just don't talk about it, or they've gotten better at hiding it.
Don't give up, Jeff. (Shoot. I was trying not to use any cliches...) Check the major pharmaceutical websites to see if any of the drug companies can help you with free medications. Keep going until you find a solution.
And if you win the lottery, remember my name. Papa needs a new house.
Matt -
You & Ed Cunard are the same way; he forces himself to be very friendly and talkative.
I'm not going to bother with free samples for a couple of reasons:
1) I don't want to take something that could fuck me up until I get my heart checked out.
2) It takes 3-4 weeks for anti-depression/anxiety meds to kick in. A free sample isn't going to cut it, and there's withdrawal effects.
Jeff: If I remember correctly, one of the big hurdles for you is lack of insurance, yes? If so, you probably qualify for services from the NYC Department of Health. I looked at their offerings and they appear to have a very robust set of services that would help you.
I've worked in a large, metropolitann health department for years. Call them and they will make sure that you get to a provider who can help you in a more timely and cohesive way.
http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/html/dmh/dmh.shtml
Cheers--
Thank you, Kathy.
I currently make too much money for government-sponsored aid. They don't consider things like student loan & credit card debt. However, my monetary situation is slowly stabilizing.
No, I didn't win the Mega-Millions.
I had cable switched off a month ago, and found an extraneous charge on my bank statement. The latter was $10 a month for the past three years, and I never noticed it until now. One of those credit monitoring agencies. I got that canceled and a small refund. Since I got my hair cut a while back, I'm not spending $15 a week on hair care.
Oh, and when I have to take a cab home, the office also reimburses my tips along with the fare. That's pretty nice.
there's something wrong with a system that doesn't consider ability to pay as qualification for care.
Many such places use sliding scales...oy. This is awful.
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